Circumstances that are not meeting our needs, especially intimate relationships, seem to beg that much more loudly for resolution — especially if you’ve invested a lot of time and emotional energy in your marriage or romantic partnership. However, it can be hard to know when to pull the plug. The tendency to hang on too long was a personal foible of my own for many years. Here are five obvious signs it’s either time to call it quits or begin working like hell to regroup and rebuild.
You’ve stopped trying to make things better
The research has shown that it’s not the number of arguments, but the result of efforts we make to redirect or buffer those conflicts, which clearly identifies those people headed for divorce. Spouses who say or do something to de-escalate an argument or salve their partner’s wounds are significantly more likely to make it for the long haul, and the same principle applies for any romantic relationship.
A few examples of “repair attempts” are using self-deprecating humor to assume responsibility for thoughtless or hurtful behavior (e.g., “there I go being an idiot again!”) to grabbing his/her hand as a discussion is getting increasingly heated. When your wife or girlfriend gives you a “whatever” look in response, she is tacitly rejecting your efforts to improve the situation. And when both of you routinely jump headlong into an escalating battle without either partner making this kind of reparative effort, that’s a clear sign the end is near.
You’re living separate lives
You’ve stopped caring about each other’s daily lives, and you no longer share much more than the most mundane of objectives. For those married with kids, most of the conversation now revolves around childcare, homework and what you need from the grocery store. You’ve largely stopped checking in with each other except in a polite way to see how your days are going and if anything special is happening.
You no longer feel a strong desire to spend time together as a couple. You may even have lost the desire to spend time together as a family. There can be a fair amount of silent time when you are together, which feels more like mere coexistence.
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