There are many advantages of hitting ‘The Big 40.’ The most valuable, however is that you’re at a point in life where you can begin taking the life lessons you’ve endured and make them work for you, instead of against you. The following are just some of the lessons people at the age of 40 have endured enough to have mastered by now. So now, it’s all about putting your mental skills into action and turning these lessons around into a direction that enables you to thrive.
How to Comfort Someone
If you see someone in distress, don’t hesitate to talk to them. Once you’ve heard their story, sometimes all you have to say is “I’ll be thinking of you.” Your words are more powerful than you think.
How to Have More Fun Having Sex
Sex researchers have found that one of the biggest turn-ons for women is feeling desired. So believing that you’re desirable is key. Choose a part of your body you admire. It might be your eyes, your hari, and the curve of your calves. Now focus on that part in your mind and “see” it as your partner would see it. It may feel silly, but imagine he’s thinking, “Wow, I want her so bad.” And remember: You don’t have to wait until you’re in the mood. Sometimes you just need to get started and the mood will follow.
How to Spot a Good Opportunity
A lot of people ask me how I knew Mad Men or Breaking Bad would make great TV. I knew because when I read those scripts, I felt something. I didn’t do any market testing or focus groups—I just asked myself, would I want to watch this? When you’re weighing an opportunity, make the question that simple: “Do I really want this, or am I doing it for the money or the prestige or because I think I should?” It can’t just be about those things. It has to make you feel good, too. And by the way, if opportunities aren’t knocking, you can make your own. When I was looking for work several years ago, I took everyone I knew in New York, where I’d just moved, to dinner or drinks or tea. I explained that I was open to anything. Six months later, one of those dinner dates called about a possible job at AMC. If I hadn’t put myself out there, that never would have happened.
How to Make Conversation at Parties
First, get a drink. If it’s a cocktail, it’ll loosen you up, but even if it’s just club soda, it’s good to have a prop to hold if you’re feeling nervous. Next, approach someone—a person, not a group—and ask how he or she knows the host. After that, be authentic and interested and ask questions, and others will float over and join in. A good host will have considered the mix of people, so when you arrive, ask, “Who should I meet?” Most important: Even if you won’t know anyone and you’re feeling intimidated, you must go. Do not stay home. So many people are afraid that no one will talk to them and they’ll leave feeling awful—but has that ever happened to you? Me, neither. Usually I end up laughing and eating and drinking and making friends, and that’s what it’s all about.
How to Not Sweat the Small Stuff
The thing that’s grand about spending your time thinking about the universe is that it makes you feel insignificant. I don’t mean that in a bad way. If you understand that we’ve now discovered entire solar systems that contain planets similar to Earth, and that those are just the ones we know about, since most of the stars we’ve looked at are within about 300 light-years of Earth and the distance to the center of our galaxy is nearly 100 times that—then you realize that the laundry you’ve left undone and the dumb thing you said yesterday are about as significant as slime mold.
How to Forgive Yourself
You have to find a way forward. You can say, “I’m going to work to improve myself so I never hurt another person that way.” And then you need to atone, to make the lesson you learned mean something. Do this, and you will be able to look in the mirror again.
Simple Ways to Look Polished
Start with a great haircut, neat nails, and well-shaped eyebrows (if eyes are the windows to the soul, eyebrows are the frames). Invest in a tailor—and in a few no-fail items that will help you look pulled together: a crisp white shirt, a pencil skirt, a great-fitting shift dress (just add shoes and go!), a tissue-weight scarf, and the perfect jacket. Whether it’s a black blazer with a structured shoulder and nipped-in waist or a little leather jacket that looks great over anything, the right jacket projects confidence. And isn’t that what polished really means?
How to Let Go of Anger
Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath. Breathe in deeply to bring your mind home to your body. Then look at, or think of, the person triggering this emotion: With mindfulness, you can see that she is unhappy, that she is suffering. You can see her wrong perceptions. You can see that she is not beautiful when she says things that are unkind. You can also see that you don’t want to be like her. You’ll feel motivated by a desire to say or do something nice—to help the other person suffer less. This means compassionate energy has been born in your heart. And when compassion appears, anger is deleted.
How to Listen Better
Start by doing everything you can to fire up the “mirror neurons” in your brain, which mimic what others are experiencing. You can subtly imitate the other person’s posture, even match the pace and depth of their breathing. Your words can also mirror what the other person is telling you. For example, you might say, “What I’m hearing is that it distresses you when your husband wears his tiara in public” or “Wow, I can tell just from your voice that you’re under serious pressure.” Don’t add advice or commentary—just reflect. If you simply must add something, ask the speaker to dis-confirm what you say. In other words, ask to be told where you’re mistaken—and mean it. “I’m thinking it’s not so much that you’re embarrassed as that you want a tiara of your own—am I wrong about that?” Do not ask to be told that you’re right; it turns a listening ear into a bid for authority, and no one will want to talk to you then.
How to Get Past Emotional Pain
Everything we experience—no matter how unpleasant—comes into our lives to teach us something. To move on from something difficult, look for the lesson. Start by asking yourself: “If this is the way things are supposed to be, what can I learn from it?” Think about how you may have contributed to the painful experience, or if there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Often we don’t realize the lesson because we’d rather avoid reliving the pain. But once you allow yourself to reflect on the sadness, anger, guilt, or shame you’ve been hiding, those feelings will begin to subside. Yes, someone hurt you. Once you’ve forgiven them and let go, you can move forward and begin creating the life you desire.
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